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No Time to Die, Brought to You by Nokia: a Review

23 October 2021 22:24

We decided on a whim to watch the latest James Bond adventure, and I have a few thoughts about the film. This review will contain no spoilers, at least not any very good ones.

First, and foremost, the martinis at the Richardson Alamo Draft House were on point. I gave my specifications and the bartender delivered to great effect. The execution on my libation preferences was the highlight of the whole experience. And they were very kind not to detract from that experience by only presenting the hefty price tag for a martini with Ford's gin at the tense climax of the film.

So the movie started with a flashback involving a man with a vz. 58 assault rifle fitted with a polymer magazine. Suspending my disbelief just as the bartender delicately suspended a lemon twist with no pith in my martini, I powered through the scene as the cruel filmmakers saw fit to sear the image of a starving Tamagatchi into our eyes.

Later, the sad lady from that last film shows up with a white Nokia 225 4G. She has trouble operating it because she's sad. Bond has better luck with it, but still opts to upgrade to the Nokia G300 with its triple-lens camera and OZO audio. He seems satisfied with it, and he can even send and receive MMS messages while on a phone call.

It is in this film that we learn that Bond is one of those people who uses speaker phone in inappropriate situations.

The movie had a happy ending.

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